When you say “I do”, the assumption is that the other person holds your best interests at heart and will be honest and open with you. Then you find an “unsettling” text; an “odd” email or perhaps a “forward” phone message or maybe a repeated phone number, whatever it is, it jolts you into suspicion. April 14, 2013, I found such an email on my husband’s computer from a “customer”; people don’t talk like that in business – my suspicions were raised. The following day, I probed his computer further and found all I needed to know; suspicions confirmed. There may be good marriage counsellors out there that are helpful, but I’ve never, ever come across one. The counsellor we went to, despite her assurances, had absolutely no clue about Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder nor how to guide us out of the pain. Nine months and thousands of dollars later, little had changed from our initial visit. I can see why traditional marriage therapy fails in 75% of couples when it comes to infidelity counseling. Now is not the time for mini-psycho courses, rabbit paths, and turning a blind eye to core issues of narcissistic traits, pornography, and unrealistic beliefs. Affair recovery IS when rubber meets the road.

A fellow betrayed wife, told me about Infidelity Counselling Network, and that they were training peer mentors so off I went for training. Since then, I’ve helped many women walk through the dark days of affair recovery. Anyone can read a “how-to” book about affairs, but until you’ve lived it you don’t “get” the myriad of emotions. As women, we instinctively know that, which is why peer mentoring brings relief. The main focus of ICN is to help the betrayed spouse understand that the affair isn’t his/her fault; there were other choices the betraying spouse could have made. While I’ve enjoyed peer mentoring through ICN, the desire has grown within me to expand my ability to provide support not only for the betrayed spouse but also for the couple. Then I found Infidelity Recovery Institute and pursued the IRI coach program. What I like about the 7-step method, is that there is a beginning and an end, and its focus IS the affair. Also the elephant in the room –narcissistic traits / independent behaviour / intimacy avoidance – are not ignored. But most importantly, it treats the trauma of the betrayed spouse exactly as it is experienced, as a trauma.

Self-help books suggest talking to friends but the fact is most friends are just not equipped to deal with issues of this magnitude nor do they necessarily want to. Also, you may not want to expose the affair to family members because of repercussions if you want to work out the marriage. You may move past the affair, but can they? You can turn to the net for information as well as on-line support groups, but when you are in crises what is better than a warm body beside you taking your hand along a proven path to healing that includes accountability and direction. I’d be thrilled to encourage you and give you hope for better days ahead.